The day my
grandmother died, I started a list of details. An inventory of humdrum data to
delineate the day, the particulars of a grief observed.
The stockings
lay limp by the mantle, the bounty already uprooted. A Christmas day in the
mid-afternoon.
We were
huddled on the couch, my brothers and I, watching the Motorcycle Diaries—to me a Christmas miracle that they had agreed
to be burdened by subtitles—when we got the call.
The details
rose up to my consciousness, as unstoppable as grief, as love.
I sat in the backseat on the passenger
side.
I picked at a hangnail on my right
thumb.
I held my mother’s hand as we walked
down the hallway that smelled of urine and antiseptic.
Colored ball ornaments hung from the
ceiling.
I couldn’t
feel; could only record.
Above all
else, I wanted to remember.
****
He is
referring to an excerpt in Bill Buford’s Among
the Thugs in which “Buford gets
pummeled by Italian riot cops.” Instead of wishing it were over, or merely
trying to get through the pain, Buford writes, “mainly I was thinking about the pain. It was unlike
anything I had known and I wanted to
remember it.”
That Christmas
at the nursing home, the grief was unlike anything I had known and I wanted to
remember it. Not my grandmother, per se. I’d already stockpiled a million and
seven spaghetti-and-meatball-cooking-I-Love-Lucy-watching details about her in
the months and years preceding her death. I wanted to remember that day, that
pain, those particulars. So I could tell the story.
At the end of
his post, Brendan writes, “when your
life is given over to telling stories, this is the default approach to every
situation. There’s always a little voice chirping in your ear, “Imagine how
this will sound on the page.”
A writing
mind is an observant mind; a mind hungry for the story.
There’s
always another narrative to knit, another phrase to turn over like a
butterscotch hard candy in your mouth, clanking against your teeth, spreading
sweetness across your tongue.
The mundane begs to be immortalized in my words. The death of a grandmother brings life to my musings. I am a
different person by the time the words spill from my lips. I am a new creation as
I track details, grant new names, new life.
Almost a year
ago to the day, God whispered to me, in the middle of a church service, to
“write my love story.” It was a command to share my story, the story of God’s
love for me. It was the motivation for this blog, but it
was also a command to remember.
To remember
the times I couldn’t step foot in a church. To remember the outrage I felt at
injustice. To remember the first time I felt a real, a raw, a ragged hope begin
to stir in my own honesty.
Writing is an
act of remembering. Even more, it is a discipline of thankfulness.
The writing,
the blogging, the sharing, is shaping me. It has shaped me—in good ways and
bad.
When I want to write God off, blogging
forces me to write God in. And that is
good.
In writing I
uncover details I’ve forgotten. I remember miracles. I marvel at the threads of
goodness pointing to a good God woven through my life.
Writing can
transform prayers of pleading into proclamations of praise.
But lately
I’ve discovered a downside to writing. I’ve found that blogging has changed my
prayers, what I’ve come to expect, what
I’ve started to demand.
The whispers
of God that I used to view as grace, grace, and more grace have become—like Buford recounted—nothing more than great story material. God gives me a
revelation and I’m immediately thinking, “Imagine how this will sound on the
page.”
I’ve been
desperately wanting God to speak not because I legitimately want more of him,
but because I want more to write. I want God to speak so I have something to
say. So I sound smart. So I sound
spiritual. So people don’t wonder why I didn’t post. So my blog metrics don’t
tick down to just my mother, again.
It’s thoughts
like these that make me want to nix it all. Tear down the blog. Rip up my
journal. Cry out for forgiveness for manipulating God’s words for my own purposes.
I ask myself, For whose glory am I writing?
The heart
check comes back inconclusive: Some days I write from pure gratitude that God
would speak at all, that he would allow me to share, that he would use my words
to speak to others. Other days I write from a selfish stance, greedy for my own
glory.
I forget that
it was God who prompted this blog in the first place. God who crafted me with a
proclivity for details, with an instinct for recollection, with an unceasing
desire to write to write to write until I see His face.
And so I
write. And so I pray and ask forgiveness. And so I ask for God to speak. And, then, in the details, in the remembering,
in the recounting, I want to give glory.
I want to write God in, for it is in
God that I write.
Blogger friends, can you relate to this urge to mine every word, conversation, and prayer for good content? Do you think it's still worth writing about God even if your motives are mixed? How do you stay centered on God's glory?